EMBRACE DONALD TRUMP!

YOU’RE ADDICTED TO FOSSIL FUELS, YOU’RE JUST AFRAID TO SAY SO

It's time to concede that Americans fighting against climate change is like quitting smoking when you're an 83-year-old man who at age eleven snuck into his mother's purse and has smoked three packs a day ever since. Sure--you can take that 83-year-old man and use him to reenact that scene from A Clockwork Orange where Malcolm McDowell is strapped into the chair with clamps on his eyelids used to hold open wide his eyes to make him watch commercial after commercial produced by the truth dot org. You can fill that 83-year-old man with bottle after bottle of five-hour-energy to make sure he doesn't fall asleep while watching these supposedly life altering commercials, but that 83-year-old man is just not ever going to care. He will never reform. We as humanity are that 83-year-old man. Life has passed us by, and when it comes to the health of the planet, humanity no longer gives a fuck. Donald Trump, (as he is so eager to point out), does not represent Paris, he represents Pittsburgh which in return represents America, which in turn represents the world-- at least as far as America is concerned.

To put it another way, the United States, as far as world politics goes, is a teenager. And like most teenagers, has a strong aversion to authority. It doesn't matter how many times you tell that teenager to put out his cigarette, it's an act of rebellion-- like the United States rebelling against Great Britain. The problem is, when it comes to tipping points, time travel is everything. The United States is simultaneously the rebellious teenager and the doomed 83-year-old cigarette addicted emphysema having, cancerous old man on his deathbed. That dying 83-year-old man can try to warn his teenage self, but some teenagers are just too rebellious. The idea of living with tubes stuck up one's nose or having to survive through a breathing machine is an utterly foreign concept.

If you are a smoker and you're young, -- a teenager-- the prevailing thought is, "well we're all going to die someday--we might as well live each day like it was our last." And then you've got a long list of people in your mind to validate your case-- people who seemed more than healthy-- who woke up at 5 AM every day to jog 10 miles, drink a protein shake and still died young.

Kimbo Slice-- the UFC fighter, so strong and healthy, he could split your head in two just by thinking about it-- he was throwing kicks and punching faces and drinking protein shakes. But what kind of life would it be to train 24-seven just to die at age 42?

Michael Clarke Duncan--that dude from The Green Mile who was about 6 foot 20 and was built like an oak tree with biceps the size of most people's torsos-- pretty healthy looking guy-- But he died when he was 54.

That's a pretty long life, at least in the mind of a 15-year-old. My 15-year-old self wasn't worried about eating tofu and broccoli or studying for my SATs or doing push-ups. Teenage boys want to get laid. That means drinking, smoking and being unhealthy.

Drinking, smoking, fucking. Drinking, smoking, fucking. At least, that is the dream.

More like drinking, smoking, jerking. Drinking, smoking, jerking.

Me-- I spent most of my teenage years making art. I didn't even get my first pubic hair till I will I was fifteen. But this isn't about me, this is about the United States of America, teenager at heart!

The problem is-- that when it comes to the age of empires, the United States is just on the verge of adulthood-- but for one reason or another is emotionally stunted and we are permanently a nation of 15-year-olds, while having the health of a nation far exceeding our actual years.

When Michael E. Mann and a bunch of other climate scientists get together to come up with CO2 regulations for the U.S., the U.S. is in classic teenager mode.

CLIMATE SCIENTIST DAD: You've got to shape up your act and cut carbon emission or we're all going to die. The planet is literally doomed, and your sister and mother and everyone you know will live out their final hours in horrible agony, choking on toxic clouds, breathing through tubes and getting thermometers jammed up our collective ass. Is that what you want young man?

UNITED STATES: Fuck you dad!

CLIMATE SCIENTIST DAD: Climate change is real, son. You cannot speak to your father that way. You go to your room right now!

UNITED STATES: Fine. But just know that while climate change may be real, there is no proof that it is man-made! And you know what? I'll just sneak out the window and steal the car, and poke holes in the muffler and dump buckets of oil in Mom's flower garden. You can't stop me. I didn't ask to be born!

CLIMATE SCIENTIST DAD: You just try, Mister-- and see how far you get.

UNITED STATES: Oh, you know I will. I'd like to see you stop me, old man. I will destroy this planet and its entirety just to prove what an old useless asshole you are!

And then, the United States, (being the United States), takes a swing at the foreign scientist in the form of a drone strike, dealing a blow which only kills a dozen or so of people--not so much compared to the hundreds of thousands it has killed in the past-- but still a bruise to the authority that climate scientists have over this unruly teenager in the form of the United States government.

And as the United States predicted there's nothing that climate scientists or sane, rational people in the world can do about it, because you've got your lunatic teenage son piloting the ship, and he's too strong to wrench the keys from him out of his hands.

So, the United States drives to The Town Drunk's house, and says:

UNITED STATES: I'll cut you in on a couple of beers if you buy me an 18 pack of Bud Lights.

So— The United States gets pretty good and hammered and starts driving over mailboxes and throwing eggs at the cars of United Nations buildings and the cars of foreign ambassadors. While the U.S. is out getting drunk, he bombs a few other countries, and then gets in a fistfight with a family of raccoons. The raccoons have been feeding on a pool of radioactive water which has been poisoned by the waste from a ruptured pipeline approved by the United States. Those raccoons are mad as hell and have weird raccoon super powers. They tear into Uncle Sam's chest with their little raccoon claws and scratch him up pretty badly. But, even in his drunken state those radioactive raccoons are no match for the mighty United States. Drunken teenage U.S. comes home at about 4 AM stinking of warm Budweiser and radioactive raccoon urine and smashes his car through the bay window of the living room.

Climate Scientist Dad comes down the stairs and shouts:

CLIMATE SCIENTIST DAD: You are ruining your life, and the lives of everyone else on this planet. Do you realize if you keep up this behavior the polar caps will melt, sea levels will rise, and Mar a Lago will flood-- and you will have nowhere to tan yourself to a perfect orange color any longer.

UNITED STATES: I think I'm going to throw up.

CLIMATE SCIENTIST DAD: Year after year after year the global temperature record is continuously smashed to bits like a walrus belly-flopping on Antarctica is great ice sheets. The increase in floods, droughts and wildfires are linked directly to the greenhouse gases that we are pumping with reckless abandon and into the atmosphere.

UNITED STATES: C'mon Dad.

CLIMATE SCIENTIST DAD: During your campaign, you called global warming a hoax-- but just like the flashy rims and the fluorescent lights on your Toyota Camry, razzle-dazzle does not equate to substance. You may win over some people with smoke and mirrors, but if global temperatures keep rising, all we will have left is smoke and The Grim Reaper looking over your shoulder in the mirror.

And when finally the United States can listen no more, he will projectile vomit on the wall and fall to the floor.

And we should accept that the climate deniers in the White House will just keep doing it. Because they are not so much deniers of climate change-- but drunken profiteers, who prey on our addiction to fossil fuels. Whether they wake up in the morning as the snot-nosed teenager or the 83-year-old with emphysema who just can't put down the cigarettes, the result is the same. Either one of them will fistfight a radioactive family of raccoons to get their fix.

But how do you fight this kind of addiction which is so widespread and total— and the drug-dealers so moraless and corrupt?

As much as I spend a good amount of time researching green energies and hoping to one day build an effective magnet-powered engine myself, there are a multitude of excuses that I make for myself, and find I still rely on a fossil fueled automobile, making me no better than anyone flatly denying the problem.

If we can't build that green engine, who will?

It's time to stop thinking that the United States will ever do anything about it, Democrat or Republican. Put your money where your mouth is-- or that big orange baby will drive his car into your living room every chance he gets. He doesn't care if he has to live out the remainder of his miserable days hooked to a respirator. And every day you drive around in that gas-powered engine, remember that you are no better.

Accept it, and club a baby seal while you're at it. You and everyone else are an 83-year-old teenager with emphysema and cancer who refuses to quit smoking.

@RodWebber

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LEARNING TO LOVE THE PRESIDENT

It is time to embrace President Trump. I mean— I think it’s a horrible idea— but I am trying to keep an open mind, and I have been told that it’s the patriotic thing to do. I mean, so sayeth patriots. Am I correct? Patriotism.

And by thoroughly embracing a Trump presidency, we can immediately scratch a whole lot of “to-do” things off of humanity’s bucket list. By taking Trump’s basic philosophies and playing them out to their extreme, President Trump’s true vision for the future reveals itself.

First and foremost, we ban all minorities— by which, I don’t just mean all the ethnic or religious minorities on Trump’s greatest hits album. I mean any human. I mean any flesh-and-blood person who isn’t Donald Trump himself. By reducing the world population to just one— a single person, in the form of Donald Trump, the man, we will effectively reduce carbon-based emissions, and thus global-warming. By embracing this bold, new plan, over-population will be a thing of the past, as will the wear-and-tear on our poorly underfunded infrastructure, such as roads and bridges. I assure you, by going through with this, we will ultimately end hunger and poverty itself. As a man well-passed his schooling years, (and who refuses to read), we can offer him an education, and not have to pay for it. We won’t even have to fill the schools with teachers. We will be able to offer him free universal healthcare, since, as the last man on Earth, his health will be of no concern. Discrimination against minorities will no longer be an issue, since there will be none.

One point which concerns everyone, is that there will be plenty of jobs supporting the war apparatus in the final days— and once the population is eliminated, there will be jobs for everyone, because there will be no one left except for President Trump himself. Finally, there will be no need to build the wall since there will be no one on the other side, which of course will eliminate illegal immigration, and open up NAFTA and plenty of other trade deals with foreign countries from which the President can profit. Also, none of those foreign leaders will be able to make fun of his horrible personality any longer.

I will grant you, there may be some hurdles which we will have to get over— but if we all pull together as a team, it is most certainly achievable.

So, let’s get to work.

When reducing the population to just President Trump himself, there’s a lot to consider. After everyone is gone, who will own the banks, and the corporations and the pipelines, and real estate, and all the other revenue-streams which enhance The Donald’s life? Who will produce the Television programs which broadcast The Donald’s every guttural utterance, night and day? Who will report the news which The Donald purports to hate? Who will hang on his every word, as if anything he says is any different from that of Caligula, Nero or any Roman Emperor in it’s decline?

Remember— This isn’t a regular population reduction. This is like an apocalypse movie for a cause— with all the proceeds given to a charity of one. But you have to consider, he’s worth it. Am I right? I mean what better person to be left all alone to his devices on a dying planet, while jet-setting between Mar a Lago and Trump Tower and sending out random tweets to the spacemen.

So what’s the first thing you’ve got to do to implement this plan? Get out your current world population calendar. We’re currently at 7.5 billion people on the planet. According to the Population Institute, the world population increases by 228 thousand people per day— and that’s after you calculate the deaths, which is less than half the number of births. It’s just not maintainable— or sustainable. I don’t like it better than anyone else— But, that’s why this plan is important.

Trump is seventy. Right? So, based upon World Life Expectancy dot com, the average life expectancy of a white American male living in Florida is 76. For New York it is 78. (Those are his two homes.) So, let’s consider that he is a billionaire, and we’ll throw an extra fifteen years onto his life— because that’s how it works. Rich people live longer. I don’t know why. It is possible that when you financially slap your dick in the face of the poor, that your life-force somehow feeds on them like a vampire. The science is unclear to me. I think it has something to do with eminent domain.

So— that means he’s got roughly twenty more years to live. (God willing.) Conversely, he’s clearly got early onset dementia. So, he’s got four good years of brain function. Unfortunately, he will be incontinent within the year— So I’m giving him about the same amount of time as his presidential term. His presidency ends the day he has lost all control of his bowels.

Of course, if the Democrats keep running Hillary Clinton, President Trump will have a dark reign of a thousand years, which could mean decades upon decades of Trump defecating on the sick and the poor— like a firehose hooked directly to the New York City sewer system, spraying out foul, raw human excrement from here to eternity.

That of course, is what we are trying to avoid. But, in theory— if it comes to that— maybe this could be a sustainable source of energy, like those buses that run on French fry grease.

But, Trump can work on that later. For right now, how will we reduce the global population to just one?

There are so many ways to kill…

For guns, we have:
• Arquebus.
• Blunderbuss.
• Musket. Musketoon. Wall gun. Grenade launcher.
• Submachine gun.
• Rifle. Lever-action rifle. Bolt-action rifle. Assault rifle. Battle rifle. Carbine. Service rifle. Sniper rifle.
• Shotgun. Combat shotgun. Semi-automatic shotgun. Automatic shotgun.

And all of those have a thousand sub-names and sub-categories.

Next, we have the military helicopters.

We’ve got the V-22 Osprey, the Cheyenne, the Bell 47, the Iroquois, The Chinook, The Apache, The Raven, The Huskie, The Sioux, The Sikorsky, The Arapaho, and dozens of other varieties that are named after Native Americans and Eskimos. I’m sure they are thrilled. White people come to your continent and kill everyone you know and then they name all their new killing machines after you when you’re dead.

And sure— all of these killing machines are effective on a small scale— but even tanks really aren’t going to do the job when you consider 7.5 BILLION PEOPLE!

The serious stuff is Chemical weapons, Biological weapons, Drone Strikes and Nuclear bombs.

I’m just trying to embrace Trump— so hear me out. What I am looking for is a peaceful and sustainable new world, and I prefer to do it with flowers and hugs. If you want to think outside of the box, there are plenty of sustainable energy sources which would help to feed, clothe and shelter all 7.5 Billion people on a permanent basis. What comes to mind is solar, static, organic, kinetic, thermodynamic, wind, magnetic, geothermal and hydro energies… But they have such scary names—and Trump has already said I’m not going to be one of the chosen ones, according to his weird interpretation of the Bible.

Last time I quoted scripture to him, I recited, “It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get through the gates of heaven,” but he just spouted some nonsense about the Pope being wrong— and then he accused me of turning out the lights in the arena— this was in Atlanta— and then he shouted “get him out!” I really get the impression that he doesn’t like me.

That’s why I’m trying to change my ways. And so I also maintain an open mind— and according to what I’ve heard, these deadly weapons are one of the better options on the table rather than all my hippy solutions. And, in all fairness— I think those nastier weapons of mass destruction are probably more suited to President Trump.

So— the plan is: Get some of these gung-ho young bucks who are in love with their X-Box to get behind the controls of some of those military drones— the ones that Chelsea Manning exposed— You know— the video Manning leaked, dubbed “collateral murder” showing U.S. Drone pilots indiscriminately killing over a dozen people including civilians and two Reuters reporters in Baghdad. It’s like a video game to them. We get some of those X-box freaks, and they just get to work blowing up stuff. They don’t care.

For those who are unfamiliar with the fine details of X-Box culture— The military calls drones UAVs, (unmanned aerial vehicles), or RPAS, (remotely piloted aerial systems). Barack Obama is really the guy who needs to get credit for popularizing these particular killing machines. Typically they are used for unmanned flights where putting a soldier in battle is considered to be a thing which will get a soldier extremely dead. There are plenty of drones which are just used for surveillance and intelligence, but at the end of the day-- Who are we kidding? They were created for killing without accountability. Killing without having to look your victim in the eye. Killing to rob a person of all they ever were, or all the potential they may have had, and doing so without feeling any remorse-- because it's like a video game. And that is why they are so important for the first leg of this Trump military strike under the new plan to reduce the population to President Trump, and President Trump alone.

In general, it is a well-accepted fact that drones kill more civilians than actual military targets, and this results in making more terrorists. But, with this paradigm shift toward population reduction, fuck 'em. Fuck us all! We need to cleanse the earth, for the arrival of the squid people— and President Trump.

So, get some kind of Tom Cruise look-alike and load up him and “The Gooseman” with some hellfire missiles and some Sarin gas, and start bombing. The real trick will be keeping the toxic effect of total war away from President Trump. He’s got very dainty hands and a fear of stairs— so we have to keep the nukes out of the US. That’s a real thing. Trump is afraid of stairs.

But… then you gotta consider if North Korea or anyone else with intercontinental missiles gets wind of this, they will go straight for our nuclear power plants, and that will cause some pretty serious devastation. There’s the initial blast, then the radiation, and of course the fallout.

You hear different theories about this stuff— If you hear on the news, that nukes are eminent, you're supposed to make it to the local elementary school with a bomb shelter. First comes the nuclear blast. That part of nukes is the same as any other bomb. It blows the crap out of everyone. It ruptures your eardrums, and punctures your lungs-- and for the grand finale, it hurls telephone poles at your head before it splits your face in two.

Then you've got the thermal radiation. And unlike conventional explosions, it burns your skin and lights everything on fire— literally it lights everything on fire, creating fire tornadoes. If you get stuck in that, just hope you have a gun on you-- not so you can shoot at the fire tornadoes-- but so you can blow your head off before you suffer through your skin falling off and your eyes melting out of the sockets.

Again— I still prefer flowers as a peaceful solution— but, if you live through watching the faces of all your friends and loved ones melting off of their heads, it's the crap in the air that will do you in. That's all the neutron and gamma radiation kicking around in the dust called the fallout.

At this stage you still may also want to blow your head off, even if you stayed inside through the whole thing. Human warmth and hugs could probably get you through to the end— But without three feet of concrete between you and that radiation, your skin is still going to fall off and your genitals will probably swell up to the size of a Mitsubishi.

Now— if you live through that with your Mitsubishi sized genitals, then there is the issue of the soil and water being radioactive, which will also kill you before long. The humane solution would be to issue everyone flowers, or at least cyanide capsules to cheer you up in your final moments— But remember, we do want President Trump to profit from this in the end— so it will be best not to include that in the budget.

Best case scenario, maybe we just embrace the idea that nukes are inevitable too. Or maybe we just keep coming up with a plan. I think that if we find the political will for war, that anything is possible— keeping in mind, as always, that the ultimate goal of war is peace— and most importantly to increase the tangible financial assets for President Trump. At least, that is what I am told— if we are being patriotic about it.

I haven’t properly thought this through, and I know that President Trump has no military experience, but I really, truly, (as a patriot) do believe that everything President Trump has proposed is brilliant. I think he is just very misunderstood.

Look at Covfefe.

Could a single word by any other person unite a people so thoroughly?

What we need is peace through population reduction— no nuclear fallout, and some kind of financial stability for President Trump— and do so in a way that appeals to Trump’s ego. Perhaps we could construct all outgoing nuclear missiles in the shape of Trump Tower, with a picture of Trump’s face right above the logo. And we could put a wig stapled to the tip of the cone.

Alright— So, if we are going to embrace full-on global war, President Trump will probably want us to study the nazis. I think it’s making things really, really weird— but like I said, I’m just trying to follow this thing through using Trump’s own philosophy.

In 1935, Hitler started to build up his Armed Forces by introducing the draft. This broke the Treaty of Versailles, but Britain and France said, “fuck it… He will probably be Time Magazine's man of the year, so we're cool with it.” In 1936, Hitler invaded Rhineland and in 1938 took over Austria and tried to take over the Sudetenland. In 1939 he brought his troops to Czechoslovakia and made a secret pact with Russia. It was only when Hitler invaded Poland did anyone really care. Before that, no one gave a fuck. He broke the Treaty of Versailles a half a dozen times, and no one did anything about it.

So, Hitler kicks off World War II with the Poland thing, eventually dragging in what would become known as the Axis and the Allied Powers. Pearl Harbor happens. Stalin gets 20 million of his own people killed… Some say up to sixty. But it seems like an awful lot of work, just to reduce the population to President Trump and President Trump alone.

Obviously, Donald Trump has been inspired by Adolph Hitler in more ways than one-- which again, is really weird. You heard about his divorce proceedings revealing that Trump kept a book of Hitler’s speech’s by his bedside, right? I mean, I’m not making this stuff up. As I was saying, Trump is a master of getting people to go at each other's throats-- so, I have no doubt that Trump will find a way to nearly bring an end to the human race.

I find the concept abhorrent-- but we just need to find a suitable way for Mr. Trump to profit and live in comfort in the aftermath of global war. Again, I would prefer a mandatory national campaign of hugs and sharing flowers with each other-- but, in keeping with how Trump and other self-described patriots are telling us how we should handle our business, I’m just trying to keep an open mind.

We have to remember, that our goal is to reduce carbon-based emissions, costs for infrastructure, to end poverty, bring jobs to America, and find a way to back out of having to build Trump’s wall.

So, once Trump invades Poland, I think the rest will mainly work itself out. The trick is,
once the population reduction has been started, there is still the safety of the President to consider. Luckily, the United States has 800 military bases across the globe. That said—they aren’t going to arm themselves. So, once all the U.S. troops annihilate everyone on the planet, they will be required to kill themselves. Of course, we don’t want to waste any money on guns or ammunition, so it would be preferable if lions or tigers could be available, so that at least President Trump will be entertained as the lions and tigers tear the soldiers apart.

From this stage, the robots will take over, to protect against the radiation and any squid and/or lizard people who attempt to attack President Trump from beyond the terrestrial plane. The robots must be equipped with giant vacuums to suck all the radiation out of the air. I think that should pretty much take care of the population reduction. There is no need to worry about the first family, as I am fairly certain the President would prefer to be by himself.

I will work on President Trump’s ongoing survival in one of the installments to come.

@RodWebber

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TIGERSWAN FOR DUMMIES

It's time to accept and perhaps embrace that our Government is a government of oligarchs  and plutocrats-- always has been, always will be. With all the fuss about Freedom and Democracy and escaping the oppression of the wicked King George and his horrible tax on tea, and forcing us to wear those awful wigs during the revolutionary War, Americans seem painfully unconcerned with a multitude of Freedoms which our Government has been chipping away at since its inception. (Not that there was freedom for slaves or all the dead Native Americans which Europeans murdered, or the Japanese that Americans put into concentration camps… but let's pack that away in a swear jar for right now and focus on the kind of Freedom that "red-blooded" Americans worry about… The kind of freedom in the constitution.

I dare say that not only has the government been chipping away at constitutional liberties since it's inception, but it has taken a sledgehammer to the face of Freedom of “Free People” since 9-11.

But just remember, it was meant to be.

This country wasn't founded on Freedom so much as it was the hope that one day, low-paid security officers would be empowered to give genital examinations to pregnant women getting on planes when those women are in desperate need to travel to foreign countries to give birth for lack of proper healthcare in the United States. It's just fact. It's a thing. The founding fathers were adamant about hobbyist gynecologists causing extreme anxiety and trauma to other humans in utero, thus prematurely inducing the birth of the child and causing additional stress and anxiety which is transferred to said child at the moment the mother shoots out that little baby with a pop.

It is in the constitution. It's a thing.

This country wasn't founded on freedom so much as it was the hope that when an autistic child needs to travel on an airplane that a poorly-paid security officer would be able to fetishize that child's feet by scrutinizing his shoes with a metal wand, until that child went into panic attacks, ultimately causing a seizure on national television to be used by the networks to boost ratings for the next news cycle. By giving security guards this ridiculous authority, the oligarchs knew for sure that this boost in ratings would only fatten their wallets.

But why stop there? It's time to embrace this kind of thing.

I say, not only do we need to bring back the stockades and beheadings, we need more shadowy mercenary groups like TigerSwan getting into our business and treating us like terrorists. Because, at the heart of the matter you have to ask yourself how does an oligarch see its citizenry? Well, of course, not only are corporations people, but people are terrorists. But, what you have to remember is that American legalese took quite a bit from good old King George. While corporations are people, and people are terrorists, what you might be interested to know is that in fact, people are not people. There are all kinds of fun legal distinctions, not only in the US Constitution but all of the state constitutions, and all of the lesser Laws throughout the land.

You see, if you change the meaning of words, then you can damn everyone with them, and damning people is fun. It's why five-year-old boys love to play cops and robbers. They get to be both the cops and the robbers, which in actuality are nearly the same thing, and either way, they get to put a boot on your face. The oligarchs are of course the true robbers, and the cops are their enforcers. Think of them as heavily armed tax collectors… A vestige of good old King George.

Remember the Standing Rock protests? You know, Native Americans and environmental activists getting together to peacefully stand up against the Dakota access pipeline which was illegally being put through the Standing Rock reservation? It turns out it was more than just Burning Man in North Dakota as Counter Current News described it. There was this shadowy security firm known as TigerSwan that targeted the Water Protectors— the movement opposed to the pipeline-- and TigerSwan used military style counter terrorism tactics on these tree-huggers. Cool. Right?

Mind you— you would think this is just some boring old company trying to put gas in your car. Nope. These guys are so much cooler than all that. Also— Probably, a lot of people think it’s not the kind of thing Donald Trump would be into. Again— you’d be wrong. The first thing he did when he got into office was literally body slam the paperwork to give the pipeline the authority to kick some hippy-ass. Trump is a gift from Vince McMahon. Like a cross between Richard Nixon and Hulk Hogan.

Cool AF. Right?

But a corporation can't tell the president of the United States what to do— The Commander-in-chief is above that. Right?

Wrong.

I know you’re all new to this. This is just how civics are done these days.

And I am going to tell you just how we embrace it… I haven't forgotten.

Fun fact: documents have been leaked about TigerSwan. They cut their teeth as a US military and State Department contractor fighting "the global war on terror," and during the protests they worked for the Pipeline company.

So the pipeline company had an army? Yep. You betcha!

Here's the best part!

Internal documents described the movement as "an ideologically driven insurgency with a strong religious component."  They even describe the anti-pipeline activists as jihadist fighters.

This shit just keeps on getting better, son! How cool is this? These mercenary guys had stingrays to zap into Water Protector’s cell-phones like secret agents. They had snipers hide out in the grass to take out any hippies that got too out of hand. They would even send out mercenaries to pretend to be Water Protectors and do treacherous stuff to try to make it look like the Water Protectors were a bunch of violent dicks that just wanted to create chaos and mayhem.

So, if these guys have paid off the President of the United States and they have worked in tandem with other United States military outfits, these guys are both the cops and the robbers— just like five-year-old boys fantasize. If the US government can pimp out paid gunmen to portray peaceful environmental activists worried about Mother Earth, then it's time to just embrace it. We live in a complete and total police state. It’s on!!

That's why TigerSwan needs ninjas-- and we need to put these damn hippies in the stockades to make an example of them. No warrants. No protections for citizens— just pure awesome. That's the kind of Freedom the founding fathers were talking about. Remember they were all 100% about committing genocide to the Native Americans, and enslaving black people. So-- if the oligarchs are able to paint everyone else with this same paint brush, like they did at Standing rock, then pretty soon they will be able to enact legislation which will label all citizens as terrorists and jihadists. It's really the perfect plan.

I know my privilege is showing here— and what we should really be looking for is reparations. That was the old me. The new me can see the value in everyone being labeled a terrorist. How awesome will it be when the FBI is breaking through your window every morning and sticking a gun in your face? I mean, I’ve been raided before. You can see the video on my YouTube channel. Everyone is going to get their turn soon. And how cool is the name TigerSwan? It's scary but beautiful. And tigers are Asian, so that's pretty inclusive, right?

I mean, what if TigerSwan hired Jackie Chan as a consultant? Then you could get Jason Statham and Sylvester Stallone and Vin Diesel to go to all these pipeline protests and beat up all these hippies. And remember, it wouldn't just be the pipeline protests. Statham would be doing ninja moves in your living room every morning. He will be waking your ass out of bed with the Vulcan death pinch and killing people's loved ones every morning. And they could do it legally. That would make it so cool.

The oligarchs could totally get away with it. And as long as Trump could extend his Muslim travel ban to hippies, and by extension, terrorists, which all people have been labeled as, then the oligarchs have really got the world on lockdown.

And think about it-- it would make an incredible reality show. It would be like the Truman show meets Kiefer Sutherland in “24”— meets “Celebrity Apprentice,” with a touch of Russell Crowe’s “Gladiator.” Donald Trump will be like the emperor with a two-way monitor, and when Jason Statham breaks through your bedroom window, then Trump will look you in the eyes through the TV monitor and decide in that moment whether to utter his trademark "you're fired." And if he does fire you, then Jason Statham rips your head from your shoulders and jams it up your hindquarters. And even though you may be dead, you will definitely get your 15 minutes of fame, at least for that day. That's what's important. That--and making the oligarchs richer. That's what's important too. And Freedom… The Kind of Freedom the founding fathers wanted.

We will get it soon enough. It is time to embrace it.

@RodWebber

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ALEX JONES AND THE CASE FOR GAY FROGS

What if Alex Jones is right? What if the government is making frogs gay? Hear me out.

He has made quite a bit of news in recent days for being required to make public apologies because of the lawsuits brought upon him. But you know-- the people who follow him--Alex Jones' followers, (which is not a small group of people), are of the opinion that when he makes one of these retractions it's for legal purposes, and legal purposes alone.

Back in the late nineties, Jones made a name for himself espousing Y2K theories and even claims to have predicted 9/11.

Not too long ago though, he went on Joe Rogan's podcast and Rogan filled him with whiskey and high-powered kind-bud. At which point, Jones announced that he had a confession to make-- that all of his Y2K scare claims back in the 90s were bullshit-- and they were forced upon him by the radio station he worked for in order to increase the sale of their post-apocalyptic prepper gear. Of course in doing so he's also passing on the blame to someone else. But that is what Alex Jones is good at.

That latest is his apology tour was to Chobani yogurt. He had to apologize to them too. But before doing so, the headline on his Twitter was "Idaho yogurt maker caught importing migrant rapists." So, Hamdi Ulukaya, the Kurdish founder of the company, had his phones ringing off the hook with death threats, because Alex Jones claims this guy in Idaho is hiring rapist gang members from other countries to make yogurt. It's totally bogus, and there's nothing funny about it. But... if Alex Jones is right, it begs the question: What is the evil-super-genius motivation behind hiring rapists to work at your yogurt factory? The implication-- I guess-- is that the company's founder needed sexual deviants to add a little something special to the special sauce.

It just doesn't make sense. Alex Jones is essentially suggesting a conspiracy to put a rapist semen in your yogurt. I don't get it.

Where is it coming from? It's like he's taking everything and the kitchen sink plus the kitchen sink's kitchen sink and just throwing all this garbage at the wall to see if it sticks… He's built a media empire, so he's got a whole a legion of underling minions who they've hired to scoop up all these these weird ideas that are floating around on the Internet-- and then they plug Alex into the Alex Jones matrix machine which slushes all these theories in his brain like a ninja fruit juicer, and then he takes the contents and spews it out of his mouth.

The classic is, “gay frogs.” He says the Pentagon tested a "gay bomb" on Iraq, which is some kind of device which sprays chemical pheromones everywhere. But... According to Jones, they have used it not only on Iraq, but on our troops as well. The theory goes that if you jack up the troops full of military-grade-axe-body spray with a secret “gay” ingredient, that soldiers in the the battlefield, instead of killing the enemy will want to get it on-- sexually-- with each other-- during combat. And Alex Jones' “proof” that this is going on is that the chemicals have seeped into the water and it is turning the frogs gay.

What if it were true? I think it would be kind of awesome. What if… What if Alex Jones was right? What if we could bring world peace through the spread of homosexuality? I’m not trying to make an argument as to the intrinsic nature of sexuality, or if it is truly possible— since the idea that you can just switch someone’s sexuality through science is a dangerous notion. I am simply following through with Jones’ assertion. I understand that it is a mighty big *if.*

So— think about it. If we were to play out Jones’ thinking to the conclusion he is suggesting— It’s only “bad” in his mind because of his religious convictions— which we know aren’t convictions at all, since his divorce proceedings revealed that “Alex Jones” is nothing but a performance-art character. The reality is that he would have no more disagreements with his wife, and it could be the beginning of a new utopia, not just for Jones, but for everyone, everywhere. Instead of killing foreigners to pillage their land for natural resources, those soldiers would be free to just sit around talking about comic books, and Xbox, and tool belts, and comparing your tools, and other guys stuff, and drive around in their Humvee and when you're all done, hop in the back seat and do what comes natural. Because as a part of Jones’ theory, that’s what happens when soldiers (and frogs) turn gay. And, since we're all gay now, we can live up to the slogan, "make love not war." Furthermore, it’s okay for those soldiers to put down their guns. And it wouldn't be weird. Millions of soldiers across the 800 United States military bases across the globe fornicating for our Freedom.

And once we get our hands on enough of these gay bombs, you drop it on soldiers everywhere. Just a big gay orgy--  maybe even caused by some kind of latent homosexual gun fetish-- instead of lunatic gun nuts inspired by Alex Jones who wanted to kill Middle Eastern people, as part of some kind of race war— in turn, creating more terrorists, causing the U.S. to send more troops, creating more terrorists so the U.S. can send more troops— of course so the people in charge of sending more troops can earn more money through the contracts they have with weapons manufacturers.

War is like cocaine commercial from the early nineties. You remember-- they've got some guy in a suit who takes a sniff of cocaine and makes some weird movements with his eyes, then states, "I do coke so I can work longer, so I can earn more, so I can do more coke." And he says it over and over again while walking around in a circle, and they speed up the video until it sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

They need to make one of these commercials for the U.S. military and foreign-policy. "We bomb foreign civilians, so we can create more terrorists, so we can justify building more war machines at a profit, so we can bomb more foreign civilians, so we can create more terrorists, so we can justify building more war machines at a profit."

So… On this particular topic, wouldn't it be awesome if Alex Jones were right? If you think I’m making this up, please google it. Gay frogs equals gay soldiers, equals no more arms-contracts, equals world peace!

Don’t forget Trump’s 110 Billion dollar deal with the Saudis— If Trump had listened to Jones, it could’ve all been prevented… And Jones has just gotten Whitehouse clearance…

Regardless of whether Jones is right— love who you want to love— and make love, not war!

@RodWebber

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BECOMING A PLANET OF TRASH


It is time to consider seriously whether the planet Earth was simply meant to be a planet of trash. You and I might think trash to be unpleasant, but what if trash-based lifeforms from outside our solar system set up humans on this planet for the specific purpose of creating trash, which they could later harvest? Should we appease these trash gods and build them pyramids of waste reaching to the heavens, or reject their plans and consider ridding the planet of this scourge altogether?
Or as an alternate solution, should we just stop worrying about trash and just let the chips land where they will?

Pipeline companies are using all these insanely hazardous techniques to get the oil out of the ground because we can't stop driving our cars-- cars which we drive around like fashion statements. Ever drive by a Walmart parking lot and feel like you're getting a glimpse of a monster truck rally? Are you telling me that you need that flame-emblazoned pickup truck with gigantic spiky tires the size of regular car to pick up some groceries and the latest Schwarzenegger box office failure at the Redbox?
And for those driving around with the sports cars-- Is it a requirement for your banking job screwing minorities out loan applications that your car have all the latest gizmos from the cars in the James Bond franchise? Like the fancy lights all over your Porsche aren’t the biological equivalent of a peacock spreading its tail feathers to attract another Porsche? All peacocks have small penises. That’s why they come with the feathers. We get it.

Maybe it's time to consider we were meant to be a planet of pollution and three-eyed babies.
There's not enough of the regular oil to satiate our lust for driving, so they started harvesting tar-sands which is like peanut butter with a little bit of oil stuck in it.

Seriously. Think about that. So that we can keep driving our cars around like a bunch of ants shoveling trash from one ant-hill to another, the oil companies have to pour a bunch of poison in this dirty skippy stuff in the ground to get the oil out of it. And then we put that in our cars.
The chemicals have all these horrible ten-syllable words to describe this nastiness. Methylbenzene, toluene, hydrogen-sulfide and some of the chemicals even two syllable words like propane. Like they are firing up the grill for a cookout. Delicious. And then all these chemicals seep into the water and the people in the poor neighborhoods have to drink the stuff. They send it through the Native American reservations. As if the first Native American genocide wasn't genocidal enough-- We've just got to keep the poison train coming.

If you live in Flint Michigan and you want a cup of water, you turn on the faucet and out comes a bunch of rust-- and you've got to use a straw to try to suck out a couple of particles of water to try to wet your mouth. I'm sure that's healthy.

We make so much garbage that there's a patch of trash in the middle of the ocean the size of Texas, called the Pacific garbage patch. Think about that. Texas is so big you can fit all of the original United States in it. And there's a mound of human trash the size of that just floating around between Hawaii and Japan--and sometimes it comes to make a little visit by California to visit its relatives in Hollywood.

If you were a dolphin, what do you think to yourself when you see that thing come floating by? Bearing in mind that the average dolphin intellect is higher than that of the average highschooler and those dolphins could probably be making a couple extra bucks finishing your son's SATs if they weren't cursed with flippers and lived in the ocean with a freaking garbage patch the size of Texas chasing them around.

There's garbage particles showing up in the salt now. The garbage patch has been floating around so long that the ocean has been breaking up all the plastic into microscopic pieces that are attaching themselves to the salt in the water. And then when they harvest the ocean for salt, there is plastic in the salt and we put it on dinner.

The ocean is taking care of business. The earth will outlive us. It’s humans that might want to worry. But, personally, I think if we as humans are going to embrace our planet as a planet of trash, we've got to at least stop putting the garbage in the ground and into the water. We should put it on display to reminder ourselves. I think we should go with the pyramid model. We should build them like the Egyptians, and create massive burial chambers out of trash for our loved ones. And then when we're feeling sad and we want to bring them flowers, we're forced to look at all the trash we ever made. That's how I think we should deal with becoming a planet of trash.

I could be wrong. You don't hear anyone talking about any other kind of solutions. Right?

Written by Rod Webber

@RodWebber

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